Guest Blogger

I've invited someone to write a couple of entries for my blog. I read something he wrote recently and thought it'd be nice if he could join me to make my blog more interesting.

First a scientist, a scholar, and a sincere individual. The sunshine in my life too! I look forward to host his writings!

Re: http://bloggingtips.moneyreigninc.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/how-to-attract-guest-bloggers-297x300.jpg

Never Leave Experiments Alone...

It's norm in research life that we leave something over the weekend to grow, incubate, etc. so that we could have a good start for the week ahead. Likewise, I also did the same most of the time.

The last weekend of August happened to be the last bank holiday of the year in the UK so my boyfriend invited me to visit his family up north. It was a good weekend, and a long one too. We went to the Peak District which is relatively close to his hometown. I wished I brought my proper walking boots so that I could try walking up to Mam Tor. Unfortunately, a pair of simple sneakers was my companion for the weekend. Let's just say, I still savoured the beauty of Peak District from afar where heather bloomed.

View from Mam Tor

Why did I mention such a nice weekend? Oh well, in order for me to not freak myself out after a good weekend, I did set up some cells to grow over the weekend. I ensured the cultures were bubbling with carbon dioxide before I left the lab on Friday. Little did I know what awaited me on Tuesday was a huge shock that some kind individual had turned off my CO2 supply over the weekend! Yes, the conditions of my cell growth was compromised, so I had to subculture them and waited for another day or so before I continued my experiment. I did cry like a sad kitten abandoned by its mother in my boyfriend's lab out of shock, surprise and anger. I couldn't understand why it happened, to the point of questioning my memory if I did turn it on. Thinking back, I was and am very certain I did turn it on and the cultures were bubbling before I left.

Something took me by surprise again on Saturday evening. As you know, recently I am running some experiments which involved electron microscopy. Usually, I do fixing and embedding myself. I started the process of fixation and embedding on Thursday, which meant I had to return during the weekend to refresh the epoxy resin twice a day. I had prepared fresh resin for the day on Saturday morning and then left for a short visit to Burwell to meet up a German friend of mine. An overzealous individual roaming in the imaging center over the weekend had decided to clean up anything that had my name written, so when we returned to the imaging center for the final refresh of resin, I was totally appalled that my resin had gone missing from the stirrer. More upsetting was to find my pot sitting in the oven with so much of waste in it. I felt so sick when I saw the covers which I labeled with my name sitting in the oven covering pots filled with so much of waste. I didn't have my phone with me, else I would have taken a photos of it. I am helping my boyfriend to fix some of his samples which he needs for his publication. So he was with me when I performed the fixation/ embedding process. I'm glad he was with me to witness all these. We had to prepare fresh resin for the evening. I'm saddened by the fact someone is so inconsiderate, especially we sort of knew who was the other person roaming in the imaging center that weekend. I'm not pointing anyone because I can't be sure, but this raises my alarm once again that someone is out to get rid of me.

A threat had been delivered to me verbally on the evening when the outcome of my first year report was out:
"You can either exit gracefully with an MPhil, or if they let you stay, you will lose all your freedom and they'll observe you like a hawk and the slight mistake that you make, they'll show you the door".

The same individual who delivered such statement also told someone in the department that my cakes tasted horrible and he wished a previous PhD student was still there because her cakes were great. Apparently my cakes tasted alright and people do love it. It was vicious and mean to say things like that to a mutual co-worker, especially when this person ate the cakes I made. Unless, of course, he pretended to ingest it but secretly had been throwing them away. That, I wouldn't know.

I am worried. I am appalled. I am helpless. I am in the dark. I am getting depressed and paranoid.

Yet I know, I am not wrong to fight for something I know I can do and to fight against those who had been messing with my potential of doing a PhD for the past one year. And I am receiving help from the University Counselling Services to ensure I remain sane. I am still producing results despite all my health issues and weird things which are going on around me.

Here's an article published on Nature 467, 516-518 (2010) about Research Integrity. Have fun reading!

Living with Depression While Doing a PhD

I stumbled into this blog post on PhD(isabled) accidentally, and found it very relevant to PhD students nowadays. I feel deeply for the PhD student who wrote the article... This part of the article hit me harder because I am going through similar hurdle, though it didn't start off with having depression.

Any form of health problem could slow us down in PhD progression. But it shouldn't be a reason why we are being told we are not capable of doing a PhD just because our health isn't great or that we take longer time than average to complete a task. If one has dyslexia, one will be given special aid so that they can do a PhD. But if one has hormonal problem or depression which slows us down, one is told by those normal, healthy people that we're incapable of doing a PhD. Academia has become such a sorry state at the moment. Equality? What's that? Until I see justice in my case, I don't believe there isn't discrimination...

An excerpt from the blog post I found interesting:
My own experience is that it takes time for medications to kick in, and only with the right medication can I start to do any kind of working through the issues causing the depression. My last severe episode was mostly spent sitting around waiting for things to get slightly better. That sounds a hell of a lot more fun than it was. I don’t know if people who haven’t been there can know how it feels. It really is a fight to get through one day at a time. Depression impairs your thinking. It is harder to reason like usual, or be creative, or whatever it is you’re normally good at. My memory goes completely to pot. I get times and dates muddled up, miss appointments and stand up friends, which is mortifying. So if you start trying to create a new model of some important theory or other when you’re under par, its going to be even tougher than normal.

Is there a problem with people (supervisors and students) seeing that as a sign they’re not actually capable of doing the PhD work when in fact its just a sign your health isn’t great just now? Can it magnify the anxiety if you think if you can’t think yourself well then you’re also not capable of doing the PhD? I wonder if blogs like this one have an important role in getting this crucial, fundamental message across to supervisors, departments and funding bodies.

I’ve tried to get involved with causes like this before. I found I didn’t have the resources to keep up.

I’ve seen friends take on enormous responsibility for campaigns and causes at the cost of their health.

I had serious doubts about writing anything about this. I can only claim to speak from my own experience. I worry enormously about anyone reading this and feeling misrepresented, but at the same time it feels right to say something.

In the end my constant mantra is to put my health first because everything else depends on that.

I can only be politically active within the limits of my health.

I can only be a researcher within the limits of my health, and not even the PhD comes before it.

Excerpt taken from https://phdisabled.wordpress.com/2013/11/15/living-with-depression-while-doing-a-phd/comment-page-1/#comment-1159