Never Leave Experiments Alone...

It's norm in research life that we leave something over the weekend to grow, incubate, etc. so that we could have a good start for the week ahead. Likewise, I also did the same most of the time.

The last weekend of August happened to be the last bank holiday of the year in the UK so my boyfriend invited me to visit his family up north. It was a good weekend, and a long one too. We went to the Peak District which is relatively close to his hometown. I wished I brought my proper walking boots so that I could try walking up to Mam Tor. Unfortunately, a pair of simple sneakers was my companion for the weekend. Let's just say, I still savoured the beauty of Peak District from afar where heather bloomed.

View from Mam Tor

Why did I mention such a nice weekend? Oh well, in order for me to not freak myself out after a good weekend, I did set up some cells to grow over the weekend. I ensured the cultures were bubbling with carbon dioxide before I left the lab on Friday. Little did I know what awaited me on Tuesday was a huge shock that some kind individual had turned off my CO2 supply over the weekend! Yes, the conditions of my cell growth was compromised, so I had to subculture them and waited for another day or so before I continued my experiment. I did cry like a sad kitten abandoned by its mother in my boyfriend's lab out of shock, surprise and anger. I couldn't understand why it happened, to the point of questioning my memory if I did turn it on. Thinking back, I was and am very certain I did turn it on and the cultures were bubbling before I left.

Something took me by surprise again on Saturday evening. As you know, recently I am running some experiments which involved electron microscopy. Usually, I do fixing and embedding myself. I started the process of fixation and embedding on Thursday, which meant I had to return during the weekend to refresh the epoxy resin twice a day. I had prepared fresh resin for the day on Saturday morning and then left for a short visit to Burwell to meet up a German friend of mine. An overzealous individual roaming in the imaging center over the weekend had decided to clean up anything that had my name written, so when we returned to the imaging center for the final refresh of resin, I was totally appalled that my resin had gone missing from the stirrer. More upsetting was to find my pot sitting in the oven with so much of waste in it. I felt so sick when I saw the covers which I labeled with my name sitting in the oven covering pots filled with so much of waste. I didn't have my phone with me, else I would have taken a photos of it. I am helping my boyfriend to fix some of his samples which he needs for his publication. So he was with me when I performed the fixation/ embedding process. I'm glad he was with me to witness all these. We had to prepare fresh resin for the evening. I'm saddened by the fact someone is so inconsiderate, especially we sort of knew who was the other person roaming in the imaging center that weekend. I'm not pointing anyone because I can't be sure, but this raises my alarm once again that someone is out to get rid of me.

A threat had been delivered to me verbally on the evening when the outcome of my first year report was out:
"You can either exit gracefully with an MPhil, or if they let you stay, you will lose all your freedom and they'll observe you like a hawk and the slight mistake that you make, they'll show you the door".

The same individual who delivered such statement also told someone in the department that my cakes tasted horrible and he wished a previous PhD student was still there because her cakes were great. Apparently my cakes tasted alright and people do love it. It was vicious and mean to say things like that to a mutual co-worker, especially when this person ate the cakes I made. Unless, of course, he pretended to ingest it but secretly had been throwing them away. That, I wouldn't know.

I am worried. I am appalled. I am helpless. I am in the dark. I am getting depressed and paranoid.

Yet I know, I am not wrong to fight for something I know I can do and to fight against those who had been messing with my potential of doing a PhD for the past one year. And I am receiving help from the University Counselling Services to ensure I remain sane. I am still producing results despite all my health issues and weird things which are going on around me.

Here's an article published on Nature 467, 516-518 (2010) about Research Integrity. Have fun reading!

Immunogold Labelling

Today I've got some peace by chilling at the imaging centre to run some immunogold labelling (IgL). My samples had been fixed in epoxy resin (I'll show you guys some pics in action when I'm running it next week). For now, I'm using older ones, mounted on nickel grids. I'm using a modified protocol from Skepper (2000), J. Microscopy 199, 1-36. (I'll link it later)

I'm having research fun and I think research should be fun. Science is mind blowing and fun. Unfortunately some people have very distorted and disillusioned vision of what "fun" and professionalism in science means.

Right now I'm battling a birdman who wants to kick me out because he's totally disapproving my idea of fun in science. Calling me unprofessional, unproductive and unknowledgeable is low if not bitchy. Telling untruths and causing me this much of troubles at this point only caused me to find him disgusting, and crazy. Stalking me under the disguise of taking my attendance without me knowing is mental harassment.

Maybe some would think that I'm wasting my time battling against a silent but dangerous birdman but if I don't fight until the last drop of my blood runs dry, I'd do myself the biggest harm. As much as I'd like to live in peace to do a PhD, the evil birdman thinks he can show me the door easily. Making my research life difficult is only making the birdman's life worse. I'm a resilient wild grass. Have always been that way.

The birdman said he'd not help with carrying of gas cylinders for me from now on. I'm perfectly happy that he refuses to help me, though I'm totally pissed with his unprofessional and childish behaviour. Thanks to this behaviour I have more conviction that I should fight till the end.

St. Paul mentioned about him running his race till the end. I need to put up a good fight too. If not, I'll be disappointing myself in the end.

Ground Zero

I knew this day would come,

When I've to restart from nothing. 

It wasn't easy before I met you.

It wasn't easy now too.

It has been a year in the favour of the Lord.

But what happened stays where it happened.

Or perhaps,

It had been just me and me alone,

And nothing ever happened?

Every closed door hurts me,

But I know my Lord stays with me.

There's nothing else that I can hold on to,

Nothing but the hope my Lord is by my side.

Testimonials

Everyone has a story to tell.

Everyone has a history to hide.

Everyone has a mission to answer to.

Everyone has an unexplainable circumstance.

Touching.

Healing.

Sharing.

Perhaps,

One day,

I'll have the courage to tell,

That story,

That history,

That mission,

That circumstance.

Invisibility in Families

Visibility defines something which can be seen.

Invisibility, 

Likewise, has the opposite meaning.

More often than not,

The sense of not being appreciated exists.

It probably started off young.

Family members overlooking achievements,

Thinking some can be left unsaid.

Is it that hard to feel happy for your own child?

Is it so challenging to congratulate one another?

I won't blame it on Asian culture.

This scenario occurs globally.

Parents downplay children's ability,

Siblings tease each other's skills.

Rivalries are the only thriving concept.

"Why can't you be like so-and-so?"

"Why aren't you giving as much as so-and-so?"

"Why does your job pay you so little? Unlike so-and-so."

"You can't do things right like your brother."

"Your sister has got straight As, so must you."

"Are you embarrassed of the scar? Don't repeat it again!"

"If you want me to love you, be good."

Guess who is the happiest when this happens?

Yes,

The devil.

Why?

All these idiosyncrasies drive family apart.

All these rivalries lead children into their caves.

Hurt, unloved, invisible.

Why instilling rivalry is preferred?

Why appreciation is so expensive?

Many have inner child who never grew up,

Just because all they knew was rejection.

And if you believe in God,

Where is love?

Vacuum Storage Bag

Something which brings smiles to my face.

Funny and adorable memories!

Yet,

Today my tale is a sad one.

Especially when I see my clothes fluffing up.

Yes,

The valve cover was mysteriously broken!

It's a horror,

When I see them taking up precious space

Of my luggage bag.

But,

What can I ask for,

When it's a £1-for-2 item,

Off the shelf in Poundland?

Last hope for me,

Is that my friend is willing

To save my day,

By bringing back some,

On his way home.

What a start for me!

Barely a week back to Malaysia,

Still under the weather,

A.k.a. flu,

Plus a morning horror story to share!

 — feeling sick.

Release and Relief

Release,

A process of letting go.

Relief,

An emotion generated when one feels free.

Captive,

That's what we make of ourselves.

Enslavement,

That's how we torment ourselves.

Yet,

We aren't aware we do these to ourselves.

We thought we knew ourselves better

Than to be captivated or enslaved.

The moment of realisation,

Will be the moment we release ourselves

From that very cell we built within us.

Then,

Relief will come to existence.

Waiting...

This is the most challenging verb.

Many have less than enough patience.

Some said,

Not enough time to wait.

The torments of waiting:

heartaches,

loneliness,

uncertainties,

insecurities,

anxieties.

Yet,

despite knowing the waiting may be the best test,

and best training,

still,

I detest waiting.

Though I have decided,

waiting is still the best thing to do.

Yeah,

I need approval for deferral.

It's been more than a week.

No news..

I hope it is equals to good news.

Sizzling Heat

When having sore throat and all,

Heat isn't inviting. 

After whole year of chills,

Imagine a 10-degree increase.

The water in my body fizzling away.

Dang!

I'm dehydrating like a fish out of water!

Peer Pressure

Two things I dislike

One is hypocrisy

Two is peer pressure

Go ahead and do what you want

As long as you don't come and tell me

I gotta be who you want everyone to be

I'm not some kid

Needing a group so much that I'd die.

I'm fine being aloof and detached,

And oblivious to weird statements,

Such as a famous "there's a lot of us this year".

I was initially excited knowing there's a healthy bunch

Now I think I might be dealing with peer pressure,

The infamous, and rather deadly,

If you say no, you're not one of us.

If you don't join this and that,

You're out.

Excuse me,

If you force me to drink like a fish

Or to only be with a certain group,

I'll make sure I'm not part of your exclusive group.

I don't need this.

Oblivion

I never knew how detached I was

Until I hear tales from observers.

It might be some blessings,

I'd have suffered much if I knew.

I was deeply distressed,

How human beings could be so ruthless,

And unkind.

Yet I know they are sufferers too.

Unhappiness loomed over them always.

Inability to trust was their forte.

As for me,

My oblivion brought me to joy,

Despite my oblivion towards the oblivion.

Goodbye?

Sitting in the train station

After yet another "amazing race".

This is another of my "missed trains" record.

In three days,

I probably missed more trains than a year in UK.

What a way to bid farewell.

Not even a proper goodbye hug.

But always a memorable time together.

I probably said more goodbyes to everyone else.

Than the one who was the reason I came.

Till the next memorable time..

Be safe and have a great Eurotour.

Look forward to hear great tales.

P/S: NOC bear..

 — feeling nostalgic with Edgar Aristion.

Last Night in Lincoln

I just got back from library.

Spent all my print money,

except for the one penny.

Printing stuffs here and there.

A lot of reading materials to prep myself,

for the upcoming three years in Cambridge.

Right now,

sitting,

feeling totally exhausted.

I still have luggage to pack.

The most un-amusing thing to do.

I'm going off tomorrow morning.

Time to bid farewell to Lincoln..

The place I call home for a year!

Midnight Hunger

Yes.

It is past midnight.

I am still struggling to pack.

As usual.

Why can't the hoover be a silent machine?

Gave up trying to wake neighbours by the noise.

Use body weight to compress.

What?

The vacuum storage bags.

And I get hungry.

Craving for a hot pot of...

INSTANT NOODLES.

Sleeping with Pets

I've always wondered

But never experienced

How is it like to have a pet to sleep with?

For once,

tonight,

I have a visitor who's friendly,

my friend's pet kitten.

I'm honoured indeed.

Soton and Me

Tonight will be the last night

For many of my friends

In Glen Eyre Hall,

And Montefiore House.

As I wait for the bus to the train station

Which should be here but not yet seen

I have nothing to do but to wondee

For countless times

I stayed over..

It's like a home to me too.

Saw winter

Saw spring

Saw summer

And now,

Saw autumn

Seasons in a year indeed.

GOOD NEWS!

The first reaction:

Tears of joy.

A miracle from God indeed.

Indeed, nothing is impossible with God.

The news arrived when I arrived in Wales,

while still in the Isle of Irishmore,

the cruise ferry which brought me back safely to the UK.

All I could say is God is good,

and His timing is the best.

Against all odds it was.

Yet, He made all things possible.

The final condition is met.

By His miraculous grace.

God's willing it shall be,

I will join Cambridge next January.

Special thanks to St. Jude,

my special patron of helpless and desperate cases,

for his intercession of my petition,

for financial support to do PhD in Cambridge.

All glory and praise be to God, the almighty Father!

http://www.ewtn.com/Devotionals/novena/jude.htm

Walking

I'm not a cyclist for sure

Nor am I a big time walker.

Yet today,

I covered 15 km.

On FOOT.

The last 5 km was a mental battle.

From the typical "I should......"

To temptation of hitchhiking.

I tried to focus on how Jesus survived back then.

Walking from one city to the next.

And He didn't complain that it was too far.

Then why should I?

It was a great 15 km walking experience.

Amazing landscapes almost everywhere.

Delusion

Ask 10 individuals,

Would you rather know the truth, 

Or be in an delusion?

Maybe 9 out of 10 would choose the latter.

The odd one out might eventually chooses too.

The truth hurts.

But truth will bring healing too.

During the process,

We tend to wonder if it'd ever come.

This "so-called" healing.

It will.

At least this is what I believe in.

The road in front of me is difficult.

I can only trust through hurts,

I will be healed.

I might have been hurt,

But I'm not broken.

This odd me doesn't want to live in delusion.

St. Therese of Lisieux

She's my patron saint,

For my second name is Theresa. 

Today I stumbled into Whitefriar Church,

Where there's a shrine built for her.

Initial plan might have been as interesting.

But God's plan will always be better.

Despite the unknown and its fears,

I'll still trust in Him.

Not forgetting,

Today is the feast day of St. Augustine of Hippo.

Another great saint of the Church.

 — feeling blessed.