At times, I am tempted to change my blog address to something else because the definition of "wimpy" according to
Urban Dictionary is small and weak. Right now, I am feeling small and weak, with the recent wave of uncertainties. I had difficulties since the start of my PhD to form research questions and to grasp the bunch of theories formed by evolutionary biologists when it comes to whole genome studies of different populations, both the modern and archaic genomes. It was the first time I heard terms such as coalescence theory, Mal'ta Boy, Denisovan, neanderthals, plink, balancing selection, permutation, imputation, and so many other terms. It was a foreign field to me, which I honestly thought I'd be able to make it through even though I felt stupid the moment I joined the first team meeting. As what everyone in the team, including my supervisor, told me, I would eventually know while reading up. No idea which papers to start with, in fact, I abandoned reading papers for the first three months because I wanted to catch up on the definitions. I couldn't even comprehend a simple term, let alone the big theory behind it.
And I ended up feeling stupid and helpless as each day went by silently. I used to describe myself as the kindergarten kid working with a bunch of highly intelligent graduate student when I started, and some of you might know from one of my first few posts that I was ecstatic when I saw myself creating a plot using R when I did some tutorial. It didn't stay for long, because I was still so behind.
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By April, I was being asked to give a format of how I envision my PhD thesis to look like, and what research topic I want to scrutinise for the next three years and to form a set of specific research questions which I want to ask for the research topic I want to do. It didn't help to be constantly reminded I only have three years of funding but almost nobody in the department could finish their PhDs in three years, and that I couldn't expect the department is able to fund me in case I couldn't complete it within three years.
I proposed the first topic to look into the ancestry information markers using SNPs since there's still a gap to have a standard set of SNPs for world wide populations, just as how STR markers had evolved to be. It was rejected right after I said the final word of what I thought because the lack of expertise of supervising me and the group is doing EVOLUTIONARY studies, hence I should focus on something along selection, etc. Let's just say, I'm not fond nor knowledgeable of this, but if required, I can try. Provided I get enough support from the group. As if there was any to begin with.
Then the malaria topic came into discussion and I became quite fond of it, despite the fact that all I could do with it was the selection studies of the affiliated genes using population dataset without any phenotypic information, nor epidemiological information. Assumptions would have to be made. ALL THE TIME. However, when I started presenting research questions, everything I proposed was either too generic, not specific, someone had done it so it is of no interest to study it again, impossible, or insignificant. I was at loss after being in the condition for more than a month.
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| Source: http://drhurd.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Depression.jpg |
The typical question when one meets another is "How are you?" without expecting anyone to reply anything other than "I'm fine" to them. This is probably the most hypocritical question in the whole world. It sounds better to exclaim "Today's weather is ..........." to initiate conversation than to use that question. After months of telling people "I'm fine" when the truth wasn't at all fine, my barrier caved in. I sought help first from my supervisor and the college graduate tutor. To my supervisor, I was honest that I might not carry on with a 95% bioinformatics PhD for my lack of skills, and I'm uncertain if I'm suitable for this field. Same goes to my graduate tutor. Initial suggestion of the tutor at college is to talk to my supervisor. When I spoke to my supervisor about my fears, he suggested a change from the 95% bioinformatics to a lab-based project with basic bioinformatics. No more looking into malaria though. My two months worth of effort turned into ash in a single hour. I wasn't fully convinced, for there's the ethical commission approval to apply both in the university and locally, travel research grant (I don't possess wings to fly nor rich parents), and that very set "research questions". The assumption made about me was simple: "I must have had read a lot so I would possess ability to form research question by now". I could only smile feebly, because the truth is I might have been reading the wrong stuffs all together, since there's no basic guideline for PhD students on what kind of papers I should read to get an idea of what's happening. Especially someone without any basic knowledge of evolutionary biology of any kind.
After speaking to a few people, I felt more encouraged to tackle the challenge to collecting new samples, so I contacted a few people to see if they could help and some email addresses were passed to me for initial contact. Guess what? All the suggested populations were told to me as "not interesting if you still insist on doing malaria" and "it would take a long time to apply for ethical approval so in the end it would be impossible".
I am disappointed and hurt and lost. I have no project, no research ideas, no research questions... When I wrote to graduate adviser of the department informing my struggles with this PhD situation and the uncertainty if I am in the right research area, as he is dealing with family crisis at the moment, I was told that the department is shorthanded so there wouldn't be anyone who can supervise me. I am free to look outside the department for other projects or supervisors. Every time I recalled this email which I received, I cried. So this is what departmental support is like. Great.
My college graduate tutor recommended me to see the college counselor to have a chat about all these. I saw her this afternoon, and would be seeing her for a few more weeks to work out some of these things. Thank God for all the listening ears I have for the past two weeks. I am glad to have some people who still see me as someone who is capable to be here, when I no longer see myself that way. Dealing with this current issue in my PhD has caused me to lose confidence in myself. I know God is with me in this, despite the fact that some people think that religion is silly. I would have long committed suicide if not because God has been journeying with me all these whiles as I dealt with various issues in my life.
Indeed I am weak, I am a wimpy scientist, and I am stopping the pretense that I am fine, because the truth is I am not and I need help and support. Yet I know, there must be a way out. Even if it means I would have to change department, change project, spend an additional year to get things done, more extra hours and all, if this is the way out, I will walk it through... God is there. He brought me here, He will definitely see me through it.
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Source: http://www.word-picture.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/b.2Corinthians12.10.jpg
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